well let's blog, then

[generalfrings]

god i don’t care about audiences and i don’t care about social media and i don’t care about followings and in-groups and popular cliques and big name fans and following individuals as the way to be a fan of something else

i care about connection and i care about community and about people feeling seen and being heard and having places they can feel they belong in and that they are doing it together - loving things together, not watching from the outside in and wishing to be in

[rachel berry voice] being a part of something special makes you special, right?

like i do not give a flying fuck but i care so fucking much and i am really, really tired.

there’s a post or thread or article or whatever it is that i saw going around somewhere again, about queer people who are community providers or pillars in one way or another; how so often you find that they’ve given others things that turns out they themselves never got to have

that notion has stuck with me differently these past couple of weeks,because this is now the point where i’ve officially crossed my imaginary line of two decades of being in fandom; and for the absolute great majority of those i’ve been at it enabling connections, building safe spaces and giving people homes

it’s my sixth year now away from home

i appreciate attention because who doesn’t like being seen and listened to, but i don’t want that like that. i don’t want to be up on stage because the point of the stage is not for us, it’s for the thing that’s brought us all here. because the point of the stage is that it’s up there out of reach while we are down here together eye-to-eye. whoever or whatever is up there can't even see us, barely even hear us as individuals either

i don't want people sitting and clapping politely when i'm done speaking, i want to say what do you think and for everyone to talk at once because they are able to, i want to get disagreed with added onto completely disproved absolutely utterly debunked and then completely justified or whatever the hell it may be. i want for others to not feel like they will never get the chance to be listened to too because we care enough to actually listen to them - not because they're Someone, but because they're someone

because we saw a place that could only accommodate a few spotlights and instead decided there are enough lights in the world for us to make a space well lit enough for everyone to be seen if they want to

i don't CARE what it's about.

how much more time will it take until i get to just come back home at the end of the day?

ultimately i think people are right, when we love we give others the things we never got to have because we know how important they are. i don't think i really realized for the longest time that making it happen for others doesn't make it happen for me, too; it's become a sore point that it often instead adds that gosh darned distance, pushes me kicking and screaming up onto that stage

i didn't ask for it, i didn't even build it, i was just making us a house but once i do i don't get to just live in it too

but if i don't build the house no one ever seems to. so either way i don't get to have the house, but at least in one scenario there is a house to speak of???

except that's not really how i feel at all, so. where that leaves us i have no flipping clue.